haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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