On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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