How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
