Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
