Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
