i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
