College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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