This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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