This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
