i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My balls are so social today.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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