she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
