I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize