what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
