We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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