The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have already put on my inside pants.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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