You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
