in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
