I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm at about main and main street
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
