Umm I'm too high to move.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
