Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
