Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
