I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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