Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
