If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
