By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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