dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
