just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
