my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
