not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Enjoy the penises
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
