i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
