Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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