I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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