the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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