dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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