I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
