Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize