shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
