we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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