DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
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