U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
