before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
