so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
