Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can feel your judgement through the phone
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
