new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize