theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
