So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
