I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
