TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize