Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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