We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
