i need an iv and a liver transplant
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
