Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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