Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
