i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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