We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
