he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
