Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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