I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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