He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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