Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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