I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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