I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bring me that man meat
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
